Recently I read an article about what has come to be called “lavender love”. I’m not sure how common the term is, but it was a new one for me.

A lavender marriage was usually between two people who appear to be a heterosexual couple. One or both of the couple are gay, lesbian, or transexual. Since homosexuality was illegal (and still is in some countries), this was a way they could conceal and protect themselves. There are various reasons a couple might enter a lavender marriage. The stigma attached to homosexuality, which is still evident in some cultures and countries, was often the reason for lavender marriages. Also predominant was family pressure due to religious objections or fear of community response. Even if family members were aware of a relative’s sexual orientation, concern about community reactions would motivate them to encourage a lavender marriage.

Those in the public eye were often pressured by movie studio heads to enter lavender marriages in order to appeal to “normal” theatergoers. Perhaps the most well-known couple were Rock Hudson and Phyllis Gates. Although it was never confirmed, the general consensus was the marriage was arranged by Hudson’s publicist, Henry Wilson. Gates was Wilson’s secretary at the time. In 1987 Gates published a book in which she claimed she didn’t know Hudson was gay. After two years of marriage Gates called it quits and they divorced.

On an interesting note, Judy Garland was married to Vincente Minelli who was gay. As with other Hollywood elite, he kept his sexuality under wraps publicly, although it is believed Garland knew he was gay. They were married for six years. Rumors say she even advised her daughter, Liza Minelli, to marry a gay man because they are the best husbands. Liza apparently took the advice to heart and married Peter Allen. Married on March 3, 1967, they divorced on July 24, 1974. After the divorce Allen came out as gay.

There are other celebrities who were rumored to be gay or lesbian. But this isn’t about famous lavender marriages. It’s about lavender marriages between couples that could be your neighbors.

Lavender marriages have been repurposed in recent years. Now these marriages are likely to be based on genuine platonic affection, financial stability, and the desire to have children. While we celebrate the LGBTQIA+ community, we also celebrate lavender couples. No one can say empirically why one person is attracted to another. Love is based on much more than sexuality.

With the resurgence in attacks on the LGBTQIA+ community lavender love may become more common. It would be preferable for all loving relationships to be celebrated. And there are more reasons to be in a lavender relationship than disguising one’s sexual orientation. Lavender marriages are loving, trusting relationships between two people who share common goals. Whether it be the ability to live in financial comfort, to raise a family, or the companionship of a like personality, these relationships are as fulfilling as any heterosexual or gay relationship.

There are both positive and negative views on the subject. Some find it difficult to understand why anyone would choose a Queerplatonic Relationship. A committed, deeply emotional relationship that is non-romantic and non-sexual, originating within the ace/aro (asexual and aromantic) LGBTQ+ community doesn’t seem “right” to some gay as well as straight folks. In my view, an intimate connection that is a binding friendship for practical or emotional reasons. And that’s a good thing.